The advent of a new year and the requisite naval gazing that accompanies it has seen me embark on a spot of personal reflection in an attempt to unlock all the answers to that illusive perennial reinvention that I’m undergoing! So … like any self-respecting ‘research nerd’ I conducted a SWOT analysis on myself. I tried to limit each category to three points which was super easy to do for strengths and opportunities but ‘not so much’ when it came to weaknesses. So … I decided to defer to my nearest and dearest to fine-tune this list. Not surprisingly, they were only too happy to contribute multiple suggestions to my weaknesses poll, describing me as a stubborn, impatient, anal, short-tempered, perfectionist (why don’t you tell me what you really mean??) … but the ‘winning weakness’ by all accounts was intolerance. Don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the answer … right?

After a bit more self-examination, I concluded that they were on the money … however I also realised that my most conspicuous intolerances were primarily reserved for those closet to me. In fact I’ve concluded that I may in fact not be cut out for close cohabitation any more. It seems that in large doses (and by large I mean anything over 24 hours) … everyone begins to grate on me. Partners, kids, parents, pals … no one is exempt from my irrational irritability. I can recognize that my intolerances are unreasonable, but I seem incapable of just ‘sucking it up’ anymore. It’s like a tsunami of annoyance bubbles up and I just can’t contain it. I spit out a barrage of vitriol that leaves me feeling momentarily satisfied but like a total douche after the fury has subsided.

My list of pet peeves includes, but is not limited to the following …

Assaults on the senses

– Cracking knuckles

– Chewing food (or gum) like a cow chewing their cud

– Slurping drinks

– Incessant sniffing (for the love of god just blow your nose!)

– Unduly heavy breathing … I have been known to say “Do you have to breathe like that?”

Crimes in the Kitchen

– Not squeezing the water out of the dishcloth

– Getting a new glass every time you have a drink

– Bad dishwasher loaders

– Returning empty containers to the fridge/cupboard

– Leaving used teabags in the sink

– “where’s the?” (insert anything) … asked before looking

Breaches of The Bathroom Code Of Conduct

– Unauthorised borrowing of towel, razor (or god forbid … toothbrush)

– Toilet roll malpractice – not replacing or discarding old rolls

– Dental floss misconduct – left on the bathroom sink

– Hanging sweaty gym gear over the towel rail (and thereby making the towels stink)

– Waterboarding the bath mat … then leaving it there!

Movie Misdemeanours

– Continual phone use

– Incessant talking

– Asking questions … probably because they were distracted by above two points!

Vocal Violations

– Saying “You should have been there” … pre empting a story about how much fun you missed out on

– The response “I could have done that” (AFTER you’ve already done it) … Well yes, you could have … BUT YOU DIDN’T !

– Telling me you’re “ready to go” … so I wait at the door only to be told … “hang on a sec while I go to the loo and put on my shoes” …

Conspiracy to Embezzle

– Removing or “borrowing” my phone charger

– Not returning the Netflix remote to the coffee table, resulting in me having to remove every cushion from the couch in an attempt to locate it

– Not returning shared keys to the correct place

Bedtime Misconduct

– The question “Are you asleep?” … As the worlds lightest sleeper, my response is always “Not any more”

– Executing an eskimo roll with the bed covers attached

– Climate change infringement – adjusting thermostat without approval

I’m embarrassed to share this list because I freely acknowledge that it makes me seem like a crazy, BIATCH … and I accept that I need to chill the F out. I also accept that my own list of annoying behaviours would almost certainly surpass this one … hell, I annoy myself sometimes! So how do I peacefully co-exist with others … or don’t I? Perhaps the answer lies in the title of this story … “Pet Peeves” … because to be honest, the only member of my family who doesn’t irritate me is Stan The Man. In fact, he can do no wrong in my eyes. Perhaps “People Peeves” would be a more befitting title?