My Main Man Stan

On Saturday I said goodbye to Stan, my beloved four legged besty. I knew the day was coming, but I was unprepared for the tsunami of grief that would overwhelm me in the days that followed. It’s not like I haven’t danced with grief before. I recognise the way she moves and how I duck and weave to avoid her embrace, retreating to a place where no one can see me. A place where I sleep and I write. I sleep to forget and to pass the time until a thin protective barrier has formed over the raw, open wound that grief inflicted as she shaved off a layer of my heart. I write to untangle the world. I use words as my flashlight to find a path through the fog.

Whether a person or a pet, losing something that you love deeply, hurts like hell and it doesn’t get any easier with practice. Maybe that’s because the pain comes from a place of having loved and been loved deeply. The loss and the love are inextricably linked. And boy, did I love my main man Stan. If it’s true that we gradually come to resemble our pets over time, then I’m in big trouble. Stan was an elderly ‘Westy’ with bad teeth, a generous girth, a penchant for chicken and a small problem with flatulence. He was his own dog … stubborn to a fault and loyal beyond measure.  He was by my side (quite literally) through some of the most tumultuous years of my life. By my side as I wrote and walked and slept and cried, reminding me that I wasn’t alone as my people peeled off one by one, until it was just us. And maybe that’s part of why losing him hurts so much. Stan was the last tenuous link securing me to my ‘old’ life. A life where my identity was tethered to my role, supporting the people I love.

At the risk of sounding all woo woo, I believe that Stan held on until he knew I was good to go… settled into my new ‘rightsized’ pad and ready(ish) to embark on a new chapter of life with an identity that’s tethered to no one but me… and for that I’ll be eternally grateful. Grief will continue to drip out imperceptibly, one tiny drop at a time, until one day it will subside and be replaced by the sweet memories of the quirky little dude who I was so lucky to love and be loved by.

Ang xx

26 Comments
  • Cath
    Posted at 06:30h, 15 June Reply

    Gorgeous Ang – you have captured the loss of your loyal little Stan so beautifully. Sending love x

  • Jen Hewett
    Posted at 06:57h, 15 June Reply

    Oh Ang – I’m in tears reading this beautiful tribute to your little mate Stan. Thinking of you. Jen xx

  • Vicky Binns
    Posted at 07:08h, 15 June Reply

    Ang, i was so sad to hear it was Stan’s time to “peel off” and follow his own path and i truely believe your view that he only did so as he knew you could take it now. He’s still with you as he’s inside your heart and you will never lose that, xxx

    • Ang I Am
      Posted at 07:21h, 15 June Reply

      Thanks Vicky… How our furry friends find a special place in our hearts! Hope you and the fam are well xx

  • Vicky Binns
    Posted at 07:08h, 15 June Reply

    Ang, i was so sad to hear it was Stan’s time to “peel off” and follow his own path and i truely believe your view that he only did so as he knew you could take it now. He’s still with you as he’s inside your heart and you will never lose that, xxx

  • Anthea Pretorius
    Posted at 07:52h, 15 June Reply

    Grieving your quirky, loyal friend is right and appropriate and heartfelt.
    My condolences to you on this painful loss. Goodbyes are never easy….
    I agree that he may have heralded in the new season in your life and, in a way, made it possible for you to fly and to flourish, so:
    Go do that with joy and abandon. You are inspiration!

    • Ang I Am
      Posted at 08:08h, 15 June Reply

      Thank-you Anthea … there’s lots to look forward to

  • Fiona Rose
    Posted at 08:12h, 15 June Reply

    Ang that was sad but lovely at the same time. Losing our pet is a tough one I feel your pain but love that you’ve shared so beautifully xx

  • Learne Jackson jones
    Posted at 08:48h, 15 June Reply

    So sorry to hear Ang. As ever a beautifully written piece speaking from the ehart

  • Penny Whyte
    Posted at 09:20h, 15 June Reply

    Beautiful word’s my dear friend.
    I do hope writing during this sad time brings you some peace.
    Gosh we all love our fur babies, the mere thought of losing my girls is unbearable.
    Thinking of you all.
    Pen xx oo

  • Priya Gray
    Posted at 09:22h, 15 June Reply

    Oh Ang! This pierced my heart. Your description of Stan waiting for you to find your new feet and him being your last ‘link’ to your past life tipped me over. It was raw and delicate at the same time. I am lucky to read your words. I am sorry for your loss.

    • Ang I Am
      Posted at 01:14h, 16 June Reply

      Thanks Priya … Stan survived 2 cobra attacks in Singers and a cane toad in Brisvegas … He dodged a few bullets in his time. Here’s hoping he’s up there feasting on chicken and hanging with all his peeps. xx

  • Nooi
    Posted at 10:26h, 15 June Reply

    Beautiful Ang xx we all loved Stan 🐶

  • Nooi Timm
    Posted at 10:28h, 15 June Reply

    Beautiful Ang xx we all loved Stan 🐶

  • Alex Andrews
    Posted at 06:06h, 16 June Reply

    Stan the man will be with you in woo woo land forever Big hugs xxxx

  • Julie Dutaillis
    Posted at 06:58h, 16 June Reply

    It’s extraordinary the hold and impact our four legged friends have on us.
    Stan has been such a huge part of your life for so many years so the loss is huge.
    Go gently at this time Ange and hopefully your sadness will soon be replaced with wonderful memories f your darling little Westie xxx

  • Sancha Virtue
    Posted at 12:13h, 18 June Reply

    Beautiful Ang.

    Sxxxxx

  • Sancha Virtue
    Posted at 12:13h, 18 June Reply

    Beautiful Ang.

    Sxxxxx

  • Maria hopkins
    Posted at 02:03h, 26 June Reply

    stunnigly depicted…keep writing

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