I am officially a grumpy old fart and if the wind were to change my facial expression would be permanently frozen in a Mrs Mcgillicuddy style scorn. My list of annoyances grows by the day and includes everything from slow walkers, to cyclists, call centre help desks, poontzy dudes in flashy cars and anything to do with the post office. I frequently flip the bird, swear like a sailor when I’m driving and have been known to pull someone into line for trying to jump the queue at Bakers Delight. But all these things pale into insignificance when compared to the angst I derive from the supermarket.

Shopping is not entertainment for me. I don’t want to shoot the breeze and stroll aimlessly up and down the aisles. Nope … my shopping trips bear more resemblance to a scene from Mission Impossible … get in and get out as quickly and as efficiently as possible. Ideally without any loss of life. This probably goes some way towards explaining why the majority of other shoppers annoy the bejesus out of me. Here’s a few reasons why ….

1. People seem to lose all sense of spatial awareness in supermarkets. If your trolley is blocking the entire aisle or you park it directly opposite someone else’s, then old speedy Gonz-angeles (me) is forced to apply the brakes or risk a multi trolley pile up in aisle 3.
2. Please don’t pick through the cherries like your panning for gold. The odd bad cherry won’t kill you. Move away from the cherries!
3. Why do the tear off tickets at the deli counter never work? Don’t pretend you didn’t see me waiting first … Deli etiquette people!
4. The sign on the express checkout lane does not say “10 x 3 to the power of 4 items or less.” Don’t be creeping through the 10 items and under lane with your 55 items and think we haven’t noticed.
5. Murphy had nothing on me when it came to picking queues. “Can I process this as 3 separate transactions please?” …. Are you kidding me!!! …. Or old eagle eye Edna who says “I’m sure the Metamucil was on special for $3.99.” … For the love of god just take my 20 cents and keep moving!”
6. And don’t get me started on the self-service checkouts. I like to unload my groceries in categories (you know …. Cold with cold, fruit with fruit … cleaning with cleaning etc.)… There is nowhere to unload in those cruel little self service areas …. I have no idea what type of tomatoes I’ve got and even though I’ve never stolen anything in my life I always feel bizarrely anxious that Mall Cop is waiting to catch me out for not scanning the Tim Tams.

As much as all these things irritate the bejesus out of me, I do feel a sense of ownership around “my” local supermarket, which to be fair I should have been given shares in by now. When I see people in “my IGA” who I know aren’t from the ‘catchment’ area I view them with a degree of Seinfeld-esq suspicion … “I didn’t know you shopped here” … as though they’ve snuck across enemy lines and should be offering a full explanation of their motives for doing so.

So, maybe that’s where my supermarket rage is originating. I have a misplaced sense of entitlement when it comes to what I perceive to be my domain … either that or I’m just turning into a grumpy old fart. Probs the latter.